There I said it. No more beating around the bush. I’ve spent the last couple weeks trying to be nice, giving you the benefit of the doubt. You know, the whole, “if you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all” routine.
My parents raised a polite girl, but even I’ve got my limits.
See, here’s the thing. I’m an outdoor girl. Always have been. I’d much rather be hanging outside, enjoying the sun and the wind on my face than stuck indoors any day of the week. Yet here I am, holed up in my living room, afraid to step out the front door if I haven’t taken my daily Zyrtec, and even then I’m still sometimes overcome by a sudden violent sneezing fit, like today, when I nearly blew my left eyeball right out of my skull.
No joke people. It still feels a little bigger than my right one.
Plus, I’m a big fan of breathing, especially breathing through my nose. Yet you have effectively closed my sinuses up so tight that I’m not even sure there’s enough room in my head for my brain anymore.
Told you I wasn’t kidding about that eye.
I’ve taken to doing a saltwater nasal rinse at least three times a day and sleeping with a Breathe Right strip on my nose. (Somebody cue “Sexy and I Know It”. It’s my new theme song).
My 2-year-old thinks it’s hilarious when I start sneezing and can’t stop. She follows me around the house fake sneezing and laughing and requesting her own Kleenex to mock blow her nose while I blow give gallons of mucus out of mine. Let me tell you, it’s real fun when we’re outside and she makes fun of me in public. I’m sure the neighbors are starting to think we’re doing some sort of mother-daughter slapstick comedy routine.
But here’s the thing, I can’t hide away the house, not when the sun is shining and the world is so alive and beautiful right outside my door. We’ve got peonies that will be blooming soon…
And some teeny tiny grapes growing on our vines, which I am ridiculously excited about…
White and purple lilacs blooming in every part of the yard and perfuming the air…
And the beautiful purplish blue carpet of Aubrieta flowers growing at the base of the large tree in our front yard.
So, dear allergies, I just wanted to take a moment to tell you, politely, to go fuck yourself. You might think you’re winning the battle, but believe me, I will win the war.