Cadence is lucky she’s cute.

I’m pretty sure I tell her that at least three or four, sometimes half-a-dozen times a day. And tonight, I thought I’d compose a little Top 5 list to illustrate my point. So here it is, folks…

The Top 5 Reasons Cadence Is Lucky She’s Cute…

#5 She costs a lot of money – Now, don’t misunderstand me here. Steven and I didn’t go into this whole parenting thing blindly. In fact, several of our family and friends even made fun of us for insisting that we wait until we felt at least somewhat financially secure before trying to have a baby. But even when you’re financially secure, shit like diapers and wipes add up man! And the fact that all these expensive diapers and Pull-Ups and training pants are good for is providing a very temporary landing pad for the actual shit on its way out of your kid’s body is just an ironic kick in the teeth, isn’t it? Just pull a $20 out of your pocket and flush it right down the toilet.

#4 Everything she touches ends up sticky – Seriously, what the hell? I’ve been lucky to be a work-at-home Mom for three years now. I like to think that I’m relatively involved in Cadence’s life, that I keep a pretty good eye on her. I’ve never seen her trying to wash her hands with honey or sticking her fingers directly in the jelly jar. I insist that she wash her hands several times a day. Yet, somehow, between rinsing the soap from her hands, patting them dry on the towel, and picking up the Ipad, she’s somehow covered with a thin layer of syrupy goo. Odorless. Tasteless. Unidentifiable sticky goo.

#3 Spontaneity doesn’t exist anymore – Look, we’re not asking for a lot here people. It’s not like Steven and I have ever been the type of couple to empty the bank account and hop a plane to Vegas on a whim for a wild weekend of parties and gambling. However, we did used to enjoy making a spur of the moment decision to run out the door to see a movie or head out to try a new restaurant. These days, with a crazy three-year-old in tow, a spur of the moment decision to grab dinner at a local restaurant involves an outfit change, a trip to the potty, a knapsack filled with an extra pair of clothes, crayons, a coloring book, some alphabet flashcards, and a pre-dinner snack (just in case the service is a little slow). Then comes the shoe hunt, wrangling the kid into a jacket, giving the dog a pep talk so she’ll refrain from tearing the house apart during our absence, and finally making our way out the door to the car. And, by that point, we’re all so exhausted from the effort that we start wondering whether we should just order take out and call it a night.

#2 Sleep deprivation makes you crazy – The thing about kids is, they start keeping you up nights before they’re even born. Between the hormone-fueled pregnancy dreams, heartburn, and the fascinatingly uncomfortable feeling of a living, breathing, miniature human performing intricate gymnastic routines inside your body, sleep deprivation begins long before that little bundle of joy arrives and starts screaming to be fed or changed every two hours. And it just gets worse as they get older. Those plaintive newborn cries become the ear-piercing, soul-sucking whine of an overtired toddler. That sound alone can send you straight to the psychatric ward. Want to torture your neighbors? Just record your kid in the midst of a full blown whining meltdown and blast it through a loudspeaker on an unending loop.  Newborns just want to be fed, changed, and held. Toddlers don’t want to miss any action, and become strangely more hyperactive when they are tired. Elementary and middle school children just like to disrupt your sleep to assert their independence and break the rules. And teenagers, well, they just remind you of all the stupid, crazy things you did as a teenager, and that alone is enough to keep you awake and praying for their safety. So, parents, all you can really do is catch a few zzz’s while you can and start drinking stronger coffee because your days of being well-rested are over.

#1 Her total disregard of personal space – I’ve always been the sort of person who cherished my “me” time. I’m not antisocial by any means. In fact, I generally enjoy the company of most people. That being said, I also enjoy having a little time alone. I don’t ask for much…a few moments to enjoy a hot cup of coffee, a quiet hour to read or do a little writing. Hell, I’d even settle for being able to take a quick shower or relieve myself in the bathroom without the door bursting open and Cadence barging in hollering, “Hey Mommy! Mommy! Mommy! Mom! What you doing? Mommy? What you doing, Mommy?” And you have to answer. Otherwise, she just keeps going. Same words, same questions, increasing volume, over and over and over. And the funniest thing about kids and their lack of boundaries is the fact that somehow, anything you’re eating magically appears delicious. It doesn’t matter if Cadence just gobbled down an entire plate of food and topped it off with a large glass of milk. The moment you sit down and try to take a bite of something, she’s climbing up to get a look at what you’ve got and begging for a bite. It could be Fruit Loops or Fiber One, chocolate cake or a bowl full of broccoli and brussel sprouts. If you’re eating it, she wants some. Usually I make her sit patiently and ask politely for a bite. Steven though, he just lets her dig in, sticky fingers and all.

Yeah, she’s lucky she’s cute…


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